Saved (2004)

[ARCHIVE: The first review I did in my short-lived standard format. Interestingly, I really liked the movie when I started writing, but the closer I scrutinized it, the more I found fault with it. Eventually I had to go back and revise my earlier paragraphs.]

Mary is a good little Christian child. Not perfect (that's Hilary Faye's title), but very good. She's a rising senior of good standing at American Eagle Christian High School, she has the perfect Christian boyfriend, and she's a member of the Christian Jewel, the premiere student-led praise team. Mary's life is a perfect paragon of good life through Jesus' teachings.

Until her boyfriend, Dean, comes out. And yes, this is one of those rare times that I do mean it in the gay way. So Mary, progressive Christian girl that she is, offers up her body to degayify her boyfriend and asks Jesus to restore her (spiritual) virginity.

But faith, no matter how strong, can't deny basic biological processes, like pregnancy.

What's most troubling about this movie is not its subject matter. Christianity (and faith in general) is an important part of society, always evolving. To deny investigations into the ideas and foundations of faith would be incredibly one-sided and irresponsible. Similarly, constant defamation without true analysis is the easy way out. It's easy to make fun of something for being silly when you don't try to understand it. Christian youth itself is constantly maligned as outrageous and empty-headed, often by jaded teens who can't find belief or faith in anything except entropy.

No, what is bothersome about this Saved! is the very lack of investigation. It inserts itself within a situation rife with possibilities but fails to capitalize upon it. Scene after scene we are shown how Christians are hateful, hypocritical and self-centered. But in each case, there is only one way towards being a "better person," and that's by not being Christian. Mary (played by Donnie Darko's Jena Malone) loses her faith in God, and only by putting her faith on the backburner does she begin to make real friends (who, obviously, are not very Christian at all). For a movie that preaches a philosophy of interpreting the world as a "grey area," it takes great pains to paint the world as Christian vs. non-Christian.

Hilary Faye, brought to life by the adequate Mandy Moore, is completely one-dimensional. Popular, talented, snobby, spiteful; the only deviation from the formula is that her conviction comes not from self-righteousness but Jesus-righteousness. Prerequisite rebel Cassandra (Eva Amurri) is sarcastic, worldly and smokes constantly, because she's the bad kid. But of course, she's a good person underneath, willing to help out a former member of the popular kids when she falls on hard times, despite the countless times they've made life difficult for each other. And even though it is constantly brought up, we never explore Judaism, her given religion. Instead, she acts more like an atheist than anything.

Which is not to say that there aren't great performances that save (haha) this otherwise dull movie. We can only thank the Lord (and the casting director) for the inclusion of Patrick Fugit and Macaulay Culkin. Yeah, I never thought I'd say that last one either. Fugit, best known for his staring role in Almost Famous brings the same wit and charm to... Patrick, the skateboarding, Vespa-driving son-of-a-preacher-man (A song which is glaringly absent from this movie). Overflowing with charm (and a great wardrobe), Patrick the character is great on screen, a kid who's faith has been tempered by his experiences. It's a shame that, with the exception of one scene with his father, we are only exposed to him as the love interest.

Culkin, on the other hand, comes to the part almost untested as a young adult actor. He plays Roland, the "differently-abled" brother of Hilary Faye, with an earnest and professionalism people will be quite surprised to see that he possesses. Easily the most likable character in the movie, he is sidelined like Patrick and not given much time to shine (an injustice, considering he is saddled with such a disgustingly patronizing name). We get a glimmer of his depth near the end of the movie, but by then it's time for the quick-wrap up and we get the final answer before we really want it. In what is probably the best scene of the movie, Culkin does an impromptu wheelchair-bound dance while panhandling for kicks. It's not a visual that can be done justice with words alone.

Despite the reasonably talented cast, the film is too interested in denouncing the extreme actions of Christians to model any of its characters with depth or exploration. It's funny to me that the topic of representing Christianity accurately is constantly brought up in publicity, because it's misleading. Yes, contemporary Christian music does sound exactly like secular music, and yes there are kitchy t-shirts that spoof other brand labels in the name of the Lord. But it's a superficial represenation, a hollow apple without a core. There are Christian kids out there who are genuinely good people, and for all the right reasons. But Saved! isn't interested in exploring what it means to be Christian in a post-modern world. It's only goal is to explain why not-so-Christian people are better than Christians. And because of that, faith is misrepresented as just another popularity-driven club.

This should have been a great movie that people would be raving about. But as it is, it's just an okay movie worth a few (genuine, but infrequent) laughs. No, like the pulpit-beaters, there is a distinct message to get across, and it shall be, even at the expense of the film's quality.

2 (out of five)
This movie is Rated PG-13

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The RC

[ARCHIVE: Continuing the trend of video game fiction. I realize now that I guess these qualify as fanfiction. Oops. Even though failed to popularize "The RC" as an acronym for the game, I find it amusing.]

Alex lounged on the front steps of his school, alone. This was not uncommon. He had a reputation among the student body of being a recluse. It wasn't that he was outcast. Ask most of his schoolmates and their replies varied upon, "He's a nice enough guy, I guess. I don't really know him." Most people knew he was an okay guy most of the time. There were even rumors of how he would step in, helping people in need, but never staying around to receive any gratitude. The problem was his other reputation. When he got angry, he got really angry. Angry enough to throw punches. Only a few people had ever seen it, but the few and fragmented accounts of such legendary blow-ups were enough to make it school gossip. But Alex was a loner mostly by choice. It was a matter of feeling different, like he didn't quite belong because of what he thought about.

What was different with Alex sitting on the steps of his school today was that it was already ten in the morning. Classes should have been well underway, but the front door remained chained and the side entrances were all locked. It was as if classes were not meant to be in session at all today. In his mind, Alex could imagine the meetings the School Board had toiled in. He could hear the announcement in the morning informing the students; the announcement he had not heard because he had ditched school in favor of sitting under the bridge, contemplating life and lazily throwing stones into the river. He saw the copies of the letters sent out, notifying homes that there would be no school this day. He could see the single typo that put his letter into the endless rerouting of the postal service, never to land on his doorstep. It seemed like fate's kind of humor.

Like the brick flying in his direction. Almost instinctively, Alex extended his fist in its direction. The cement block shattered against his hands, sending red debris cascading to the ground. He looked at the small rubble pile without turning his head. This is what I do. I don't stop a threat, I take it apart, hurting it until it will never attack aga-
He narrowed his eyes. Under the stone fragments seemed to be a note. It had been more than an attack; it had been a message. He turned in the direction it had come from- the school.

There, in the window. Andy, one of the Dragon Twins. Ever since he and his brother Randy had arrived, the school had been plagued with delinquency and violence. Almost immediately they had risen to the top of the street gang hierarchy. Their fighting skills were unmatched; only their lack of intelligence kept them from being really threatening. If they were inside, it could only mean that they had taken made good on their boasts to take over the school. But Alex knew that they could only be muscle puppets for someone smarter.

Hopping to his feet, Alex charged out the front gate. He was strong, even scarily so, but he was only one man. If he was to help his school, help his friends, he would need help. And as much as it made his stomach turn, he knew only Ryan could be of any help. The thought of fighting alongside his rival from Cross Town High was sickening, but not as much as his dread at unleashing his inner fury, the one he had spent so long trying to control. Being alone was fine with him, as long as it was his choice. He didn't want his classmates to see him for the animal he was and lose any positive thoughts they had about him. He cursed the unknown mastermind. Whoever he was, he had already made Alex cross two lines he had hoped to never do. But he would make him pay. He would show him what happened to those who threatened River City High.

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Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes (GCN)

[ARCHIVE: This video game review follows the OldSchoolGamers website formatting.]

Content:
Game features realistic combat, gunplay, and political intrigue. While focus of the game is arguably on stealth and avoiding detection, the battle system is well developed and often intersects gameplay. As a result, there is a good deal of violence. What makes it more offending than say, a spy movie is that the blood is often right onscreen. Wait until the teenage years, by which they've past their "violence for violence's sake" phase.

Suggested Age Level: 17+

Rating: 8.0 out of 10

Review:
Snake Reloaded
When the original Metal Gear Solid was released on the PSone, it forever raised the bar in terms of quality. Here was a game with a truly cinematic feeling. Cutscenes rivaled theatrical action movies, with dynamic angles, superbly delivered voice acting and amazing plot reversals. As if this wasn't enough, the game engine allowed a large degree of freedom. You could dispatch enemies with traditional violence, but provided one had the skill one could simply sneak past them by ducking around corners or hiding under boxes. Game director Hideo Kojima boasted that it was possible to beat the game without fighting anybody but the bosses.

With the release of the much anticipated sequel, Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty, gamers were treated to a vastly improved game engine that increased the level of detail. Glass shattered, shadows gave away positions and tranquilizer dart efficiency depended on where you shot the enemy. Unfortunately, many people did not feel that the new story delivered as well as the original had. Jokingly, some suggested it would have been simply better for Konami to just remake the first game with the game engine of the second. Little did they suspect that that was exactly what Kojima would do.

Gameplay
Like in the original, you play Solid Snake, former agent of the American military and living legend. Terrorists have taken over a government nuclear armament facility in Alaska and are threatening to launch a nuke. Your mission is to infiltrate the base, rescue any hostages and eliminate the terrorists’ ability to launch a nuclear strike. The bad news is that you start off with only a radio, radar, and a pack of cigarettes. The good news is that you don't need to eliminate the competition, just avoid them. To this end, you can misdirect your enemies with sound, hide inside, or sneak up behind them and make them reach for the sky. If it comes down to it, you can use one of any number of weapons you pick up along the way to take soldiers out. Be wary, however, because the more you kill, the higher security will become. They've got numbers and equipment on their side ,so it's better to try that whole sneaking thing.

Graphics and Sound
The jump in visuals between the original and Twin Snakes is readily apparent. They difference between Sons of Liberty and Twin Snakes however is negligible. Silicon Knights, who handled the translation, could have attempted to make any number of small improvements (the ability to break limbs bare-handedly comes to mind) but decided instead to simply sit on their haunches. This does not mean that the game does not look great, but those looking for "the next step" will be sadly disappointed.

What has been improved, however, are all of the cinematics. The high polygon count and better textures mean that all the laughably pixelated closeups of the original have been refined to television show Game Over quality. The action direction is vastly improved, thanks to director Ryuhei Kitamura. Snake's combat prowess is now akin to Jet Li, even if it does go over-the-top sometimes. Careful attention has been spent on mood, however. You can feel the desperation in the Ninja's fight against Metal Gear, and Psycho Mantis is way creepy.

The soundtrack in Twin Snakes fits well with the game, but lacks the flair of the original score. Whereas before, the familiar melody would swell during intense moments, cinematic or otherwise, the new songs seem more subdued overall. Thankfully, Mantis' haunting chorus returns, but one would be hard pressed to hear anything else familiar.

Control
Mapping the Playstation controls to the Gamecube controller worked out pretty well, all things considered. The shoulder buttons handle inventory once again, and the Z-button is thankfully there to cover first-person mode. The control layout has been switched around to accommodate the A-button-centric scheme, with mixed results. For a while I found myself wasting bullets when I wanted to crouch. Lowering you weapon (without firing) has also be deprecated, so make sure you know what you're doing before you go on the dogtag hunt.

Flaws
The biggest flaw in the game is its almost-religious adherence to the original. The maps are exactly the same barring slight scaling differences. The enemies follow the same old patrol routes. The challenges are either as difficult as in the original or less so. There is a distinct lack of "new" in this game. The new freedom the MGS2 engine brings only further illustrates how bad this is. Areas constantly have a cramped feel to them, as if things are crammed way too close together.

Lasting appeal
There are some unlockables, so you might be able to squeeze a couple run-throughs before it begins to collect dust. Like its predecessor, the action movie, Twin Snakes is really more of an occasional play. You'll be glad to have it, and maybe pick it up again in the far future, but one completion is probably enough to satiate you for a while.

Kiddie play
This is not really a game for the young-uns. This is a game you should get for your high school upperclassman or college student if they haven't already. If you really feel ambitious, compete with your teen to see who can get the better end ranking, which involves more sneaking than kicking ass.

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A Study into "sk8r l33t"

[ARCHIVE: Looking at the Internet through the lens of sociology always gives me a laugh. Unfortunately, the LJ that inspired this post has since been shut down.]

Ladies and Gents, I present ElLie.

After my initial reaction of revulsion, followed by regurgitating bile, then righteous anger (with accompanied flaming), I came to ponder what it really meant. I don't mean the blog itself. Even translated, it would give drivel a bad name. What I began to think about the true intent of speaking/talking in this way.

Think about it. Even 1337 sp34k, its nearest relative, is a simple matter of character substitutions. Correct grammar is retained more or less. However, this new bastardized strain is detested by even the 1337est of the 1337. Careful observation and study throughout the Internet reveals that it is carried not by the disenfranchised, but by the infractors of the Internet. For reasons we shall see later, this shall be know as "sk8r l33t." Let us observe the main principles of SL.

• Chronologic Borders: SL is used primarily among Internet users fifteen years of age and lower. Upper outliers can been observed as far up as eighteen, and occasionally a freak can be found as far up as twenty, but never higher than that. Conclusion: SLs are teen/pre-teens.


• Cultural Boundaries: Decrypted passages have been found to tell tales regarding heartbreak, betrayal, boredom and depression. Unfortunately, little canned be gleamed from this information, as many humans experiences these things. Contextual clues are much more revealing. Worship and idolatry of certain figures like Avril and Britney implies a fascination with baseless and superficial objects. A "culture of nonculture," if you will. Note: For males of the species, there is a substitution of idols with patriarchal counterparts like 50 cent and Nelly. Conclusion: SLs are trendy morons.


• Social Boundaries: Directly related to culture, SL transcripts rarely talk about happenings outside their personal area of sight. Occasionally the rule is broken when natural disasters, but for the most part information is tangentially related in some way. Their bubble of interest is extremely limited, either because of or resulting in a self-important view. This view is shared by their acquaintances. Conclusion: SLs are arrogant and self-absorbed.


• Social Inferences: When one considers the first few points, we begin to pinpoint the source of SL. Trendy and arrogant teens fall into one general category: The In-crowd. These individuals are considered the alphas in the adolescent pecking order. Regardless of intelligence or substance, they see themselves as the trendsetters and are quite vocal about it.

Final Conclusion: The Internet is being poisoned by dumb fucks who don't belong here.
Remedy: Social Cleansing
[Of course, in my typically hypocritical way, it was okay for me to write whiny blogs, because I used proper grammar.]

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Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga (GBA)

[ARCHIVE: This video game review follows the OldSchoolGamers website formatting.]

Content:
Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga is a simple platform-RPG hybrid. Objectionable material is limited to cartoony violence, the worst of which involves swinging oversized hammers around. Fine viewing for all ages, although the challenge level may be a little too much for the youngest of gamers.

Suggested Age Level: 5+

Rating: 8.0 out of 10

Review:
From Jumping to... Jumping
Mario, perennial mascot of the Nintendo company, and his sometimes-forgotten younger brother Luigi make another run at the role-playing genre of video games. Not to disappoint its fans, the game once again revolves around kidnapping, Princess Peach Toadstool and jumping on stuff. The twist comes in the same of a new villainess, the sorceress Cackletta, who steals Peach's voice and replaces it with (literally) explosive language. With a little help from a miffed Bowser, Mario and Luigi must travel to the neighboring kingdom of Beanbean to get Peach's voice back.

Gameplay
Play is centered around platform gaming and RPG combat. While traveling around the Beanbean Kingdom you control the both Mario Brothers, walking and jumping around the terrain as well as switching lead characters. By talking to key individuals, you'll gain combo moves that the Mario brothers can do together. For instance, have Luigi jump on Mario's head and you'll do a high jump. But have Mario jump on Luigi's head and they'll perform a helicopter floating-type jump. You gain more moves and combos as the game progresses, opening up more and more of the world. At certain times you'll even seperate the two brothers and switch between them to progess. The Mario Brothers have an incredible sense of self-preservsation and won't go past the cliff of a bottomless pit, so you never have to worry that. Running around the screen will be enemies, which you can either run around and avoid or make contact with and switch to the battle screen.

This is when the RPG elements come to the foreground. Combat is basically your typical turn-based system, where people move according to order. When its a brother's turn you can choose to do a normal attack, use an item, run away or (if Mario and Luigi are both present) perform a special "Brothers Attack" where our heroes combine their talents to do devastating attacks for the cost of a few Brothers Points (essentially mana points). Defeat enough enemies and you'll gain enough experience to level up, boosting your stats, making you stronger so you can defeat tougher enemies, getting you more experience, etc.

You can also walk around towns and buy different equipment, items for health and perform a number of different sidequests.

If you have a GBA link cable and either this game or any Mario Advance cartridge you can link up to play classic Mario Bros, either co-op or battle. If you only have one game pak you can still play battle mode with your friends.

Graphics and sound
Graphically, Superstar Saga is really cute and kid-friendly. The characters are all streamlined and simple. Even the antagonists are drawn with relaxing curves and rounded corners. The colors chemes are all pleasent to the eye, and the different objects are always easy to identify. The game makes good use of it resources; objects spin, twist and change sizes smoothly and seemlessly. Nothing to give awards for but they achieve the effect and atmosphere they strive for. There are classic foes like goombas and koopas as well as new enemies and even hybrids (the goomba-with-a-tail tanoomba comes to mind). If you look closely there are even cameos by past characters, including Professor E. Gad, Geno the doll and a barrel-chucking ape skeleton...

The sound in the game also does its job. There are a lot of familiar sound effects, from the jumping noise to the coin sound to the recognizable phrases of the Mario Brothers. The music is average midi fare. It sounds synthesized, and it is, which can add to the nostalgia effect. Nevertheless there isn't anything that sticks out as unpleasant.

Control
The overhead map is easy to figure out, although it may take a little getting used to. Essentially the A button will control the lead brother while the B button controls the back one. Pressing start will switch whomever is in the lead. In this way you can interact with the enviroment and perform combo moves. How you encounter enemies can have an effect on the battle as well. Walk into them and combat preceeds normally. But if the back brother is struck they will be unable to dodge or counter attack until its their turn. Jump on an enemy and they'll start off with a little damage (except for spiked enemies). Hit them with your hammer and they'll be stunned.

Superstar Saga takes a page from its predessesor, Super Mario RPG, and riddles the combat system with a large amount of trigger points. Hit the attack button again right before you strike to do more damage. Press the correct button sequence at the proper times and you'll increase the power of a Bros Attack. When the enemies attack, you can dodge and sometimes even counterattack by pressing the appropriate button. The high level of player involvement in combat helps to keep the game interesting.

Flaws
From playing the game I got the impression that there were two ways to win. You could level up really high and just plough your way through, but if you have good-to-exceptional timing you could probably beat the game in half the time. The difficulty of the game is simple but relies heavily on the fact that during combat you hit the precise button combinations when you need to. Otherwise the player will do significantly less damage and take significantly more. I'm not sure if this is within the abilities of the game's target audience (demographically speaking).

Lasting appeal
Although shorter than most RPGs, the game takes a decent amount of time to complete. The fact that it rests on a portable system is a plus as one can turn it on during a break, gain some experience and then turn it off (although not quite as save-friendly as Final Fantasy Tactics Advance). Like most RPGs, Superstar Saga has a unique demand life. While one may not feel the immediate need to pick the game up after completing it, there will be a lingering taste that another replay further down the line will still yield entertaining results. This is dependant of course on whether or not you're an RPG gamer.

The added GBA connect bonuses are great, especially the one-game-pak-to-play. Making the game compatable with any Mario Advance game is a great move as well.

Kiddie play
The game is good, but may seem too young for someone who can handle the difficulty level. Don't be against buying this game for your kids but be careful and well-informed as well. This is an RPG, which is very easy for younger (and older) gamers to become obsessed over so be wary if you notice a large change in attitude, scheduling or large amounts of time hiding away by themself. Otherwise, have no fear. The game is an excellent introduction into RPGs and the combat system can help your child develop their planning skills and reaction speeds.

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Excerpt from Every Hour Wounds (2005)

[ARCHIVE: I think this was the first proto-blogprove I wrote. I just came up with starting sentence and went from there. If memory serves me right, I got it from Scrubs. Michael J. Fox was guesting as a doctor who suffered from OCD, and this coin thing came up as habit he used to help focus his mind and hone his hand coordination. In retrospect, it was ballsy of me to title the short after a fictional book written so soon in its near-future.]

Bruce passed the coin between his hands, keeping himself busy. He found that he didn't like the in-between moments, so he would always find something to occupy his mind. He had wondered before if it was a form of ADHD, but he his mind wasn't at all like they showed in the commercials. There was no rapid uncontrollable change in thought, no constant channel changing. He just didn't like to feel like he waas doing nothing.

When he was younger he would people-watch, if there were enough people passing by. He would just stare across the street, barely focusing on what was really happening, and think Barbara Adams, age fifty-nine. Married once, right out of high school. On the way to pick up cat-food for the two baby strays she found on her back porch... Leon "Less-Than-Jake" Jacobson, age seventeen. bassist for the unnamed five-man garage band on his block. Walking to the mall, hoping to run into gril from his English class there 'on accident.' and so forth. But after fifteen years of his average desk job, receiving average pay for average work, Bruce had lost the map to his imagination. He no longer had strong opinions about politics or religion, never saw ads for a movie that would make him want to go to the multiplex, didn't give a thought to the teenage punks that would joyously cause a ruckus and cut in line at the Orange Julius because really, it wasn't worth the effort. Something in his soul, something that was vivid and saturated had been beated into submission and paved over with dull grey concrete.

When he lost the ability to think up his own stories, he read others' instead. So he would open up a dog-eared, browning paperback and whittle away the hours. Then he lost interest in these stories as well. True, humanity had been around for only several tens of thousands of years, but already it seemed to have run out of ideas, and really every John Grisham novel was the same when you boiled it down. So Bruce began buying little mind puzzles to fiddle with. The two pieces of metal rod, bent into each other, but the package said they could be removed from each other, so it must be possible. When he fould that he had stopped even paying attention to what movements his hands were making, he stopped buying the doo-dads. A quarter did a fine job of that, and he didn't have to spent five dollars to get one.

So Bruce stared vacantly ahead, passing the coin between his hands.

[There was another "future excerpt" story before this one, but it was only a single paragraph.]

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Who Are You

[ARCHIVE: I remember writing this in response to the current advertising campaign Nintendo had running at the time. I think I did okay, translating the game stories into epic descriptions.]

I am a hero.
I am a savior.
I am the one hope for civilization.

I am a blue-collar worker, thrust into a foreign kingdom. My enemy is a merciless despot, bent on the ethnic cleansing of a people whose only crime is being born different. I am a jack-of-all-trades, able to turn the most meager of resources to my advantage. I can fly, swim, and even wear the skins of my enemies. I traverse frozen tundra, scorching desert, even prehistoric jungles in my quest to for freedom.

I am a bounty hunter, crossing the reaches of space, shadowing mercenary geneticists. I have no family, no past. Chosen as the weapon of vengeance for an ancient and dead race, I embrace my destiny. I will cut a swath through my enemies, retrieving the seeds of their destruction from right underneath their noses. I defy physical laws, moving myself through impossible passageways and vaulting through viscous water. I assault my obstacles both living and inanimate, harvesting their own energy and munitions for my own.

I am a force of nature. I am hurricane incarnate. I am a black hole, unfillable, unstoppable, insatiable. There are no opponents that I cannot best, either with my own abilities or their own. I am a master engineer, able to utilize my enemies' weapons in combinations not thought of. I am fire, water, earth, wind. I am animal, vegetable, and mineral. I am anything and everything. And all I have to do is consume.

I am a fighter pilot, crossing the planetary system to end the rule of a galactic criminal. I risk my life in an limited-run experimental ship, able to outmaneuver frigates, dog fighters, bombers and ground gunners. I will block my enemy at every pass, eventually taking the fight to his doorstep. I can withstand urban guerrilla fighters, the creatures of endless oceans, even the fires of stars.

I am a timeless hero. Chosen by fate, only I can wield Evil's Bane and drive darkness from the land. I am a peasant boy from a reclusive people, champion of all. I alone embody the courage and the conviction to right what is wrong. I will gather the weapons of my ancestors, I will recruit the warlocks of the past, and I will find a way to once again restore peace.

I know who I am.
The question is, who are you?

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Indiana Jones and Emperor's Tomb (PS2)

[ARCHIVE: This video game review follows the OldSchoolGamers website formatting.]

Content:

This game features hand-to-hand combat, gun shootouts and the typical Indiana Jones flirting-with-the-ladies(tm). As far as explicitness of violence there's no real blood, although one of the cutscenes implies men getting ripped to shreds by a giant crocodile. There is more objectionable material to be had in one of the films than in this game.

Suggested Age Level: 13+

Rating: 7.0 out of 10

Review:
Calling Dr. Jones
If ever there was a great American hero, Indiana Jones was he. Let's face it, Superman's an alien, the G.I. Joes are army stooges and MacGuyver... okay, maybe him, but Indiana Jones simply exudes cool. Unfortunately his gaming history has been much spottier than his movie and television careers. Fate of Atlantis, a PC adventure puzzler was a great but The Infernal Machine, the console adventure entry did not see such success. The third time seems to be the charm as the oft delayed Indiana Jones and the Emperor's Tomb lives up to the franchise.

Gameplay
The year is actually 1935. The keys to an ancient Chinese tomb are being collected by the up-and-coming Nazis and to stop their obviously evil schemes (as well as defend your treasure-hunter pride) you must beat them to it. You control Indiana Jones directly, running, jumping and, yes, whip-swinging through archeological ruins and urban period settings. As mentioned above, you get Indy’s trademark whip along with an assortment of firearms, maps, and whatever debris you can swing at Nazi scum. Indy will also don different outfits depending on the setting, from his traditional coffee colored shit, to his leather jacket and even the snazzy white-jacket tuxedo, seen in the beginning of Temple of Doom. You also get a couple health items, including medikits and the miraculous canteen. Yes, by drinking regular water you heal damage from multiple bullet wounds in the chest. Maybe it's Holy Grail water.

Graphics and sound
The visuals for the game are very good, many of them too good. There are so many details and mapping textures occupying the screen that at times the game suffers from slow down. While this would not be a problem if it ran at a constant frame rate, the PS2 becomes very fluid when the space is limited to a few close walls, you and a baddie. This only makes the slowdown more noticable when it does occurs. Not much attention has been spent on blurring effects so the game can look jaggy quite often. But the character models are all decently smooth and well proportioned. The animals especially look very good. The first time I saw the rats I panicked, although not as much as when the great white crocodile filled my screen.

The sound, like in many LucasArts games is superb. The familiar themes from the Indiana Jones movies are back and placed in appropriate times. The music swells when enemies ambush you and strike a triumphant refrain when you successfully dispatch them. The score also adds tension when you’re faced with ancient booby traps. Voice acting is top notch as well. The actor playing Indiana Jones mayb not be Harrison Ford but I would be hard pressed to tell them apart just from listening. The script is also quite fun as Jones throws off-handed quips. "This oughta even things up a bit..."

Control
Moving Indiana around takes some getting used to. You have quite a number of actions and the game manages to map them all out, utilizing every button and stick for some purpose. Sorry, digital pad lovers, but you can only use the analogue stick to move and control the camera. The rest of the buttons are pretty standard. You have an action button, a jump button, and two different attack buttons, so you can choose whether to pop a cap or pistol whip Hans and Rolph. If you've played Tomb Raider, you have an idea of what to expect.

Flaws
The game can be hard to control. Hit detection, say when jumping from vine to vine is especially unforgiving. The camera is pretty good for the most part but slow to pick up the slack. You'll find youself shifting the camera just to keep Indy on screen. And the horizontal control is direct rather than inverted, which can cause some confusion at first. But once you get into the groove of things you'll have no problem getting around.

Lasting appeal
It’s an Indy game, it rocks. The atmosphere from the movies is carried across extremely well, making the game as fun to play as it is to watch the movies. A huge part of the appeal is that yes, this is one of the beloved movie icon and you get to guide him through an all-new adventure. The game is pretty lengthly as well, so you'll get your money's worth out of it.

Kiddie play
Unfortunately, this is where the game falls short. It is obviously a game meant for somebody who knows and appreciates the Indiana Jones Character. As such, younger kids might not get as much fun out of it as older kids. But your teens and college students should remember the character and have fun with the game. Since it's single player, there's not much you can do in terms of co-play, but it's not a game you should have any worries handing to your pubescent children.

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StarFox Adventures (GCN)

[ARCHIVE: This video game review follows the OldSchoolGamers website formatting.]

Content:
Basically child friendly, the game features basic close-quarters combat, huge dinosaurs and some space laser battles. The most objectionable part (and this is shaky at best) is the main female lead's objectification as she sports nothing but a bikini during her very rare appearences.

Suggested Age Level: 10+

Rating: 7.0 out of 10

Review:

Old Fox, New Tricks
Back in the heyday of the SNES, if someone said StarFox, one thought of a flight shooter with crappy polygon effects. Ahead of its time, the original StarFox was the first game to utilize the Super FX chip, an ineffective endeavor to somehow up the graphics power of the SNES. But behind the plain-looking objects and the midi-heavy soundtrack was a solid concept. The problem was that Nintendo didn't yet have a machine to properly present the forward-scroller. This was proven with the release of StarFox 64, the revamp/remake/special edition for the Nintendo64. Finally Fox McCloud was given a game with production values that would assure his place in console game history. StarFox Adventures is actually a retooling of another project, Dinosaur Planet, which was developed for the N64 but moved to the Gamecube. Not really a "true" StarFox game, it's primarily a third-person adventure in the Legend of Zelda vein.

Gameplay

You play as Fox McCloud, head pilot of the StarFox team. Dinosaur Planet is flying apart and you have to, well, put it back together. Easier/harder than it sounds. You must tool around the planet and its various orbiting islands, fighting baddies and collecting Spirit Stones which keep the planet together (apparently they don’t invest heavily in gravity).

Tacked onto the game are the flying stages you need to go between different chunks of the planet that have broken off. They play like a watered down version of previous StarFox games. No targeting, no charging and the scoring system is much different. Its functionally equivalent to the Gummi Flyer in Kingdom Hearts.

Graphics and Sound

Visually the game is solid. The computing power of the Gamecube really shines through in nearly every aspect of the game. The landscapes range from warm grasslands to charred volcanic caverns to powder-covered snow fields. All the colors are vivid and perfectly fitted. Plenty of attention has been spent on the little details, from the ripples in the water to the weather effects to the way Fox's ears move in the wind. Texture mapping has progressed to the point where pixilation only occurs during extreme close-ups during cut-scenes, all of which are in-engine. Illumination effects are handled quite nicely, playing from the appropriate light sources and tints. However the character designs take some getting used to. Peppy is really old now and Fox actually looks younger despite the fact that this takes place eight years after the previous game.

The sound is good in SFA. Familiar strands of the StarFox themes fly by during appropriate times. The sultry, sexy sax solo that is Krystal's theme is pretty hilarious since it's obviously trying to make her seem desirable (parents, make sure you have the furry talk if you’ve already had the talk). Anyway, the sound effects are deftly interspersed. Electric crackles, prehistoric roars, even self-rumbling mushrooms are nicely done. The voice acting is also pretty good. The actors aren't the same ones in StarFox 64, but they're close enough to be passable. Scottish and British accents are rampant among the dinosaurs, inferring I don't know what. The only time I winced was when Krystal spoke in "dino talk." Maybe it was because she was talking in a made-up language but she really didn't get any of the inflections right. But once you get your translators working and everybody is speaking English everything works out.

Control
Your main weapon is a staff which you can (supposedly) perform combos with by tilting the stick in different directions. There is a working but underdeveloped auto-targeting system in fighting. You can't initiate a lock-on until the enemy is close enough and you have your staff drawn. What's most troubling is the inability to switch targets. Once you're locked on to a guy you either have to defeat him or put your staff away.

An interesting feature is the use of the C-stick to access the inventory. By jimmying the stick you bring up your inventory and then scroll up or down through the objects. You can also assign one inventory item to the Y button for quick access. For ease, things are separated into three categories: supplies, special moves and sidekick commands (more on this later). Rather than just have a map onscreen, you have the PDA device which features not only a zoomable(!) map but also an information setting (for when you're near interactive objects) and a fuel cell compass which helps in finding, er... fuel cells.

At first glance, the coolest innovation is the sidekick commands. During your adventure you meet Tricky, crowned prince of the Earthwalker Tribe (a race of protoceratops). Once you rescue him he follows you around during your adventure. If you keep him well-fed, you can command him to perform tasks like dig up secrets or breathe fire (but it's useless during battle). He also serves as an early warning system, telling you where secrets are or when enemies are near. It boils down to just having another set of moves but its kinda fun to see the little guy following you around.

Flaws
The passing of time, although handled well, doesn’t seem to serve any purpose. In fact the only thing it seems to do is make things hard to see in the twilight. The combat system also a bit to be desired. Executing battle moves seems to be more about dumb luck than actual combos. Fighting is fun at first, but with limited secondary weapons you get tired of seeing Fox pull the same roundhouse swing repeatedly. The camera is also pretty limited. It vaguely stays behind you, but for cinematic and hinting purposes, it may stray. This can be both a good thing and a bad thing. The Arwing levels feel extremely nonessential, like they were added only so that the Star Fox label could be added to the title.

Lasting Appeal
On the whole the game is good if not memorable. I feel bad because it's a solid effort that will undoubtedly be forgotten. The action is par but nothing special. With the exception of Fox and Tricky, none of the characters stand out. And while there are secret features that you can unlock they are all achievable on the first play-through. The only reason to play again would be if you enjoyed the experience. But with so many similar but better games out there, there’s no reason to.

Kiddie Play
SFA is a nice game that kids would enjoy. The puzzles are on level with its contemporaries and the built-in hint system will keep them from getting frustrated. But to a parent I would recommend against buying this game. I might be tempted to if it was in the bargain bin but it’s only truely worth a rental or two. While the game presents a nice packages it’s nothing your kids will think of as classic.

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Metroid Prime (GCN)

[ARCHIVE: This video game review follows the OldSchoolGamers website formatting.]

Content:
Game features strong amounts of laser-gun violence, implied genocide,
and big-n-nasty monsters. If your child doesn't like alien movies, look
for some other game.

Suggested Age Level: 12+

Rating: 8.0 out of 10

Review:

Adding a Dimension
Nintendo milks its mascot characters for every cent they're worth. The premiere titles for any Ninendo machine have almost always been first-party productions. What was lacking in quantity has always been made up in quality. Case in point with Metroid Prime. Hotly contested almost since the announcement of its development, Prime is the fourth installment (or fifth, due to a simultaneous release with Metroid Fusion) involving the bounty hunter Samus Aran. Once again, those pesky Space Pirates are at it and it's up to you to stop them.

Gameplay
You'll be fighting in full 3D environments, a total change for the traditionally side-scrolling adventure game. Armed with only your blaster and your space suit, you’ll traverse the many environments of the planet from ancient ruins to snow-covered plains to underground lava caves. Along the way you’ll pick up the traditional equipment including the charge beam, missiles and the wave beam. You’ll also get nifty visor enhancements allowing you to see in data scan mode, thermal imaging and even X-ray vision. And of course, what Metroid game would be complete without the morph ball, transferred intact with energy bombs and spider-sticking ability.

Graphics and Sound
The graphics are fairly strong. The levels are executed with careful attention to detail, from the steam jets to the jungle mists to the iris-design doors. But its strength lies in the creature designs. Old enemies have been successfully expanded another dimension. Mainstays like zoomers and geemers have not only been retained, but in some cases improved upon. The first time a beetle popped out of the ground made me cry out in a high pitched Pippen-like yelp. The Space Pirates themselves are no longer lethargic humanoid praying mantises but strafing, ambushing, believable nasties. Aside from the obvious initial suspension of disbelief, many of them look like animals we might find on another planet. Everything from their color scheme to their anatomy has been thought out and well executed.

Little effects have been thrown in to heighten things. Steam condenses on your visor, frost cakes up on your gun when you charge your ice beam, sparks even appear as your Morph Ball rolls over metallic terrain. Unfortunately, time devoted to details could have been better spent on the landscape. Mounds of dirt still come off as lumps under a brown blanket and rocks are suspiciously flat surfaced. Which is a shame because other structures, like lab fixtures and trees are well done and only point out the shortcomings of the others. One thing that stood out for me was the excellent rendering they did for the data log pictures of creatures. Whatever techniques or filters they used, they look exactly like they were scanned with an electron microscope.

Sound is unfortunately the weakest part of the game. Most of the music is limited to background atmosphere, so there are no memorable pieces. What's nice is that they're primarily remixes of the old Metroid soundtrack. Right from the get-go you get a nice breakbeat (re)interpretation of the original opening. But the lack of cinematics means there's never a real time to sit back and enjoy the music, which the developers must have taken into account because the sound fades back into a supporting role. It picks up when there's a slew of enemies, punctuated by the guttural alien screams of the Space Pirates. But it's equivalent to a tiger with a music box. For an intergalactic scourge, the pirates don't have much of a language nor do they do much besides stand around waiting for Samus to attack. I would have liked more of a sense of intelligence and language between the pirates, like in Wolfenstein when you over hear snippets of Nazi conversation. Similarly, all the creatures share pretty much the same roar modulated a few wavelength and decibels to be appropriate.

Control
Controlling Samus is fairly easy. It harkens back to the old days of /Goldeneye/ with its one-stick configuration. A nice addition is the lock-on mechanism which allows for accurate shots on a single enemy. All the buttons have been mapped out nicely with major functions on the face buttons and strafing and lock-on assigned to the shoulder buttons. Something I found nice was the application of the little d-pad and the C-Stick which let you shift through different visors and beam cannons respectively. This makes it very easy to switch between X-ray, thermal and scanning visors and can come in handy when the cloaked enemies drop down on you. Similarly, the old Metroid-buster combo is back and better than ever. Now you can freeze them with the ice beam and then shatter them with a missle with a quick flick of the stick (no, that's not innuendo). The grapple beam makes a return, and boy is it fun to execute. The only problem I could find was my predilection for strafing. Sure there's the L-button which puts you into sidestep mode, but there's no way to really circle around a corner. But this is less of a problem since the game focuses more on the adventure aspect rather than death match tactics.

Lasting Appeal
Like in all Metroid games, players are rewarded for quicker run-throughs and collecting all the power-ups. This time the incentive is not to see Samus without the suit on (a guilty pleasure/motivation in my opinion), but to unlock several conceptual art galleries to not only Prime but Fusion as well. If you’re a Nintendo Groupie(tm) you can get some extra play using the Game Boy Link Cable. Completing Fusion first gives you a palette swap option in Prime (to play as the infected-suit Samus). Completing Prime first allows you access to the original Metroid! On its own the game is an intriguing adventure, and beating your friend’s best clear time is satisfaction enough.

Kiddie Play
It’s fairly obvious that Prime was designed not to draw in new players but to cater to fans of the series. For this reason I don’t recommend giving it to youngsters. The complexity of the game is enough to frustrate most preteens and the rewards are not apparent enough for them. The sometimes tense and spooky atmosphere can also be a bit much for little ones. Wait until they’re at the teen level to give this to them, when they’ll have the patience and the experience to polish it off.

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