Who Are You

[ARCHIVE: I remember writing this in response to the current advertising campaign Nintendo had running at the time. I think I did okay, translating the game stories into epic descriptions.]

I am a hero.
I am a savior.
I am the one hope for civilization.

I am a blue-collar worker, thrust into a foreign kingdom. My enemy is a merciless despot, bent on the ethnic cleansing of a people whose only crime is being born different. I am a jack-of-all-trades, able to turn the most meager of resources to my advantage. I can fly, swim, and even wear the skins of my enemies. I traverse frozen tundra, scorching desert, even prehistoric jungles in my quest to for freedom.

I am a bounty hunter, crossing the reaches of space, shadowing mercenary geneticists. I have no family, no past. Chosen as the weapon of vengeance for an ancient and dead race, I embrace my destiny. I will cut a swath through my enemies, retrieving the seeds of their destruction from right underneath their noses. I defy physical laws, moving myself through impossible passageways and vaulting through viscous water. I assault my obstacles both living and inanimate, harvesting their own energy and munitions for my own.

I am a force of nature. I am hurricane incarnate. I am a black hole, unfillable, unstoppable, insatiable. There are no opponents that I cannot best, either with my own abilities or their own. I am a master engineer, able to utilize my enemies' weapons in combinations not thought of. I am fire, water, earth, wind. I am animal, vegetable, and mineral. I am anything and everything. And all I have to do is consume.

I am a fighter pilot, crossing the planetary system to end the rule of a galactic criminal. I risk my life in an limited-run experimental ship, able to outmaneuver frigates, dog fighters, bombers and ground gunners. I will block my enemy at every pass, eventually taking the fight to his doorstep. I can withstand urban guerrilla fighters, the creatures of endless oceans, even the fires of stars.

I am a timeless hero. Chosen by fate, only I can wield Evil's Bane and drive darkness from the land. I am a peasant boy from a reclusive people, champion of all. I alone embody the courage and the conviction to right what is wrong. I will gather the weapons of my ancestors, I will recruit the warlocks of the past, and I will find a way to once again restore peace.

I know who I am.
The question is, who are you?

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Indiana Jones and Emperor's Tomb (PS2)

[ARCHIVE: This video game review follows the OldSchoolGamers website formatting.]

Content:

This game features hand-to-hand combat, gun shootouts and the typical Indiana Jones flirting-with-the-ladies(tm). As far as explicitness of violence there's no real blood, although one of the cutscenes implies men getting ripped to shreds by a giant crocodile. There is more objectionable material to be had in one of the films than in this game.

Suggested Age Level: 13+

Rating: 7.0 out of 10

Review:
Calling Dr. Jones
If ever there was a great American hero, Indiana Jones was he. Let's face it, Superman's an alien, the G.I. Joes are army stooges and MacGuyver... okay, maybe him, but Indiana Jones simply exudes cool. Unfortunately his gaming history has been much spottier than his movie and television careers. Fate of Atlantis, a PC adventure puzzler was a great but The Infernal Machine, the console adventure entry did not see such success. The third time seems to be the charm as the oft delayed Indiana Jones and the Emperor's Tomb lives up to the franchise.

Gameplay
The year is actually 1935. The keys to an ancient Chinese tomb are being collected by the up-and-coming Nazis and to stop their obviously evil schemes (as well as defend your treasure-hunter pride) you must beat them to it. You control Indiana Jones directly, running, jumping and, yes, whip-swinging through archeological ruins and urban period settings. As mentioned above, you get Indy’s trademark whip along with an assortment of firearms, maps, and whatever debris you can swing at Nazi scum. Indy will also don different outfits depending on the setting, from his traditional coffee colored shit, to his leather jacket and even the snazzy white-jacket tuxedo, seen in the beginning of Temple of Doom. You also get a couple health items, including medikits and the miraculous canteen. Yes, by drinking regular water you heal damage from multiple bullet wounds in the chest. Maybe it's Holy Grail water.

Graphics and sound
The visuals for the game are very good, many of them too good. There are so many details and mapping textures occupying the screen that at times the game suffers from slow down. While this would not be a problem if it ran at a constant frame rate, the PS2 becomes very fluid when the space is limited to a few close walls, you and a baddie. This only makes the slowdown more noticable when it does occurs. Not much attention has been spent on blurring effects so the game can look jaggy quite often. But the character models are all decently smooth and well proportioned. The animals especially look very good. The first time I saw the rats I panicked, although not as much as when the great white crocodile filled my screen.

The sound, like in many LucasArts games is superb. The familiar themes from the Indiana Jones movies are back and placed in appropriate times. The music swells when enemies ambush you and strike a triumphant refrain when you successfully dispatch them. The score also adds tension when you’re faced with ancient booby traps. Voice acting is top notch as well. The actor playing Indiana Jones mayb not be Harrison Ford but I would be hard pressed to tell them apart just from listening. The script is also quite fun as Jones throws off-handed quips. "This oughta even things up a bit..."

Control
Moving Indiana around takes some getting used to. You have quite a number of actions and the game manages to map them all out, utilizing every button and stick for some purpose. Sorry, digital pad lovers, but you can only use the analogue stick to move and control the camera. The rest of the buttons are pretty standard. You have an action button, a jump button, and two different attack buttons, so you can choose whether to pop a cap or pistol whip Hans and Rolph. If you've played Tomb Raider, you have an idea of what to expect.

Flaws
The game can be hard to control. Hit detection, say when jumping from vine to vine is especially unforgiving. The camera is pretty good for the most part but slow to pick up the slack. You'll find youself shifting the camera just to keep Indy on screen. And the horizontal control is direct rather than inverted, which can cause some confusion at first. But once you get into the groove of things you'll have no problem getting around.

Lasting appeal
It’s an Indy game, it rocks. The atmosphere from the movies is carried across extremely well, making the game as fun to play as it is to watch the movies. A huge part of the appeal is that yes, this is one of the beloved movie icon and you get to guide him through an all-new adventure. The game is pretty lengthly as well, so you'll get your money's worth out of it.

Kiddie play
Unfortunately, this is where the game falls short. It is obviously a game meant for somebody who knows and appreciates the Indiana Jones Character. As such, younger kids might not get as much fun out of it as older kids. But your teens and college students should remember the character and have fun with the game. Since it's single player, there's not much you can do in terms of co-play, but it's not a game you should have any worries handing to your pubescent children.

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StarFox Adventures (GCN)

[ARCHIVE: This video game review follows the OldSchoolGamers website formatting.]

Content:
Basically child friendly, the game features basic close-quarters combat, huge dinosaurs and some space laser battles. The most objectionable part (and this is shaky at best) is the main female lead's objectification as she sports nothing but a bikini during her very rare appearences.

Suggested Age Level: 10+

Rating: 7.0 out of 10

Review:

Old Fox, New Tricks
Back in the heyday of the SNES, if someone said StarFox, one thought of a flight shooter with crappy polygon effects. Ahead of its time, the original StarFox was the first game to utilize the Super FX chip, an ineffective endeavor to somehow up the graphics power of the SNES. But behind the plain-looking objects and the midi-heavy soundtrack was a solid concept. The problem was that Nintendo didn't yet have a machine to properly present the forward-scroller. This was proven with the release of StarFox 64, the revamp/remake/special edition for the Nintendo64. Finally Fox McCloud was given a game with production values that would assure his place in console game history. StarFox Adventures is actually a retooling of another project, Dinosaur Planet, which was developed for the N64 but moved to the Gamecube. Not really a "true" StarFox game, it's primarily a third-person adventure in the Legend of Zelda vein.

Gameplay

You play as Fox McCloud, head pilot of the StarFox team. Dinosaur Planet is flying apart and you have to, well, put it back together. Easier/harder than it sounds. You must tool around the planet and its various orbiting islands, fighting baddies and collecting Spirit Stones which keep the planet together (apparently they don’t invest heavily in gravity).

Tacked onto the game are the flying stages you need to go between different chunks of the planet that have broken off. They play like a watered down version of previous StarFox games. No targeting, no charging and the scoring system is much different. Its functionally equivalent to the Gummi Flyer in Kingdom Hearts.

Graphics and Sound

Visually the game is solid. The computing power of the Gamecube really shines through in nearly every aspect of the game. The landscapes range from warm grasslands to charred volcanic caverns to powder-covered snow fields. All the colors are vivid and perfectly fitted. Plenty of attention has been spent on the little details, from the ripples in the water to the weather effects to the way Fox's ears move in the wind. Texture mapping has progressed to the point where pixilation only occurs during extreme close-ups during cut-scenes, all of which are in-engine. Illumination effects are handled quite nicely, playing from the appropriate light sources and tints. However the character designs take some getting used to. Peppy is really old now and Fox actually looks younger despite the fact that this takes place eight years after the previous game.

The sound is good in SFA. Familiar strands of the StarFox themes fly by during appropriate times. The sultry, sexy sax solo that is Krystal's theme is pretty hilarious since it's obviously trying to make her seem desirable (parents, make sure you have the furry talk if you’ve already had the talk). Anyway, the sound effects are deftly interspersed. Electric crackles, prehistoric roars, even self-rumbling mushrooms are nicely done. The voice acting is also pretty good. The actors aren't the same ones in StarFox 64, but they're close enough to be passable. Scottish and British accents are rampant among the dinosaurs, inferring I don't know what. The only time I winced was when Krystal spoke in "dino talk." Maybe it was because she was talking in a made-up language but she really didn't get any of the inflections right. But once you get your translators working and everybody is speaking English everything works out.

Control
Your main weapon is a staff which you can (supposedly) perform combos with by tilting the stick in different directions. There is a working but underdeveloped auto-targeting system in fighting. You can't initiate a lock-on until the enemy is close enough and you have your staff drawn. What's most troubling is the inability to switch targets. Once you're locked on to a guy you either have to defeat him or put your staff away.

An interesting feature is the use of the C-stick to access the inventory. By jimmying the stick you bring up your inventory and then scroll up or down through the objects. You can also assign one inventory item to the Y button for quick access. For ease, things are separated into three categories: supplies, special moves and sidekick commands (more on this later). Rather than just have a map onscreen, you have the PDA device which features not only a zoomable(!) map but also an information setting (for when you're near interactive objects) and a fuel cell compass which helps in finding, er... fuel cells.

At first glance, the coolest innovation is the sidekick commands. During your adventure you meet Tricky, crowned prince of the Earthwalker Tribe (a race of protoceratops). Once you rescue him he follows you around during your adventure. If you keep him well-fed, you can command him to perform tasks like dig up secrets or breathe fire (but it's useless during battle). He also serves as an early warning system, telling you where secrets are or when enemies are near. It boils down to just having another set of moves but its kinda fun to see the little guy following you around.

Flaws
The passing of time, although handled well, doesn’t seem to serve any purpose. In fact the only thing it seems to do is make things hard to see in the twilight. The combat system also a bit to be desired. Executing battle moves seems to be more about dumb luck than actual combos. Fighting is fun at first, but with limited secondary weapons you get tired of seeing Fox pull the same roundhouse swing repeatedly. The camera is also pretty limited. It vaguely stays behind you, but for cinematic and hinting purposes, it may stray. This can be both a good thing and a bad thing. The Arwing levels feel extremely nonessential, like they were added only so that the Star Fox label could be added to the title.

Lasting Appeal
On the whole the game is good if not memorable. I feel bad because it's a solid effort that will undoubtedly be forgotten. The action is par but nothing special. With the exception of Fox and Tricky, none of the characters stand out. And while there are secret features that you can unlock they are all achievable on the first play-through. The only reason to play again would be if you enjoyed the experience. But with so many similar but better games out there, there’s no reason to.

Kiddie Play
SFA is a nice game that kids would enjoy. The puzzles are on level with its contemporaries and the built-in hint system will keep them from getting frustrated. But to a parent I would recommend against buying this game. I might be tempted to if it was in the bargain bin but it’s only truely worth a rental or two. While the game presents a nice packages it’s nothing your kids will think of as classic.

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Metroid Prime (GCN)

[ARCHIVE: This video game review follows the OldSchoolGamers website formatting.]

Content:
Game features strong amounts of laser-gun violence, implied genocide,
and big-n-nasty monsters. If your child doesn't like alien movies, look
for some other game.

Suggested Age Level: 12+

Rating: 8.0 out of 10

Review:

Adding a Dimension
Nintendo milks its mascot characters for every cent they're worth. The premiere titles for any Ninendo machine have almost always been first-party productions. What was lacking in quantity has always been made up in quality. Case in point with Metroid Prime. Hotly contested almost since the announcement of its development, Prime is the fourth installment (or fifth, due to a simultaneous release with Metroid Fusion) involving the bounty hunter Samus Aran. Once again, those pesky Space Pirates are at it and it's up to you to stop them.

Gameplay
You'll be fighting in full 3D environments, a total change for the traditionally side-scrolling adventure game. Armed with only your blaster and your space suit, you’ll traverse the many environments of the planet from ancient ruins to snow-covered plains to underground lava caves. Along the way you’ll pick up the traditional equipment including the charge beam, missiles and the wave beam. You’ll also get nifty visor enhancements allowing you to see in data scan mode, thermal imaging and even X-ray vision. And of course, what Metroid game would be complete without the morph ball, transferred intact with energy bombs and spider-sticking ability.

Graphics and Sound
The graphics are fairly strong. The levels are executed with careful attention to detail, from the steam jets to the jungle mists to the iris-design doors. But its strength lies in the creature designs. Old enemies have been successfully expanded another dimension. Mainstays like zoomers and geemers have not only been retained, but in some cases improved upon. The first time a beetle popped out of the ground made me cry out in a high pitched Pippen-like yelp. The Space Pirates themselves are no longer lethargic humanoid praying mantises but strafing, ambushing, believable nasties. Aside from the obvious initial suspension of disbelief, many of them look like animals we might find on another planet. Everything from their color scheme to their anatomy has been thought out and well executed.

Little effects have been thrown in to heighten things. Steam condenses on your visor, frost cakes up on your gun when you charge your ice beam, sparks even appear as your Morph Ball rolls over metallic terrain. Unfortunately, time devoted to details could have been better spent on the landscape. Mounds of dirt still come off as lumps under a brown blanket and rocks are suspiciously flat surfaced. Which is a shame because other structures, like lab fixtures and trees are well done and only point out the shortcomings of the others. One thing that stood out for me was the excellent rendering they did for the data log pictures of creatures. Whatever techniques or filters they used, they look exactly like they were scanned with an electron microscope.

Sound is unfortunately the weakest part of the game. Most of the music is limited to background atmosphere, so there are no memorable pieces. What's nice is that they're primarily remixes of the old Metroid soundtrack. Right from the get-go you get a nice breakbeat (re)interpretation of the original opening. But the lack of cinematics means there's never a real time to sit back and enjoy the music, which the developers must have taken into account because the sound fades back into a supporting role. It picks up when there's a slew of enemies, punctuated by the guttural alien screams of the Space Pirates. But it's equivalent to a tiger with a music box. For an intergalactic scourge, the pirates don't have much of a language nor do they do much besides stand around waiting for Samus to attack. I would have liked more of a sense of intelligence and language between the pirates, like in Wolfenstein when you over hear snippets of Nazi conversation. Similarly, all the creatures share pretty much the same roar modulated a few wavelength and decibels to be appropriate.

Control
Controlling Samus is fairly easy. It harkens back to the old days of /Goldeneye/ with its one-stick configuration. A nice addition is the lock-on mechanism which allows for accurate shots on a single enemy. All the buttons have been mapped out nicely with major functions on the face buttons and strafing and lock-on assigned to the shoulder buttons. Something I found nice was the application of the little d-pad and the C-Stick which let you shift through different visors and beam cannons respectively. This makes it very easy to switch between X-ray, thermal and scanning visors and can come in handy when the cloaked enemies drop down on you. Similarly, the old Metroid-buster combo is back and better than ever. Now you can freeze them with the ice beam and then shatter them with a missle with a quick flick of the stick (no, that's not innuendo). The grapple beam makes a return, and boy is it fun to execute. The only problem I could find was my predilection for strafing. Sure there's the L-button which puts you into sidestep mode, but there's no way to really circle around a corner. But this is less of a problem since the game focuses more on the adventure aspect rather than death match tactics.

Lasting Appeal
Like in all Metroid games, players are rewarded for quicker run-throughs and collecting all the power-ups. This time the incentive is not to see Samus without the suit on (a guilty pleasure/motivation in my opinion), but to unlock several conceptual art galleries to not only Prime but Fusion as well. If you’re a Nintendo Groupie(tm) you can get some extra play using the Game Boy Link Cable. Completing Fusion first gives you a palette swap option in Prime (to play as the infected-suit Samus). Completing Prime first allows you access to the original Metroid! On its own the game is an intriguing adventure, and beating your friend’s best clear time is satisfaction enough.

Kiddie Play
It’s fairly obvious that Prime was designed not to draw in new players but to cater to fans of the series. For this reason I don’t recommend giving it to youngsters. The complexity of the game is enough to frustrate most preteens and the rewards are not apparent enough for them. The sometimes tense and spooky atmosphere can also be a bit much for little ones. Wait until they’re at the teen level to give this to them, when they’ll have the patience and the experience to polish it off.

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The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker (GCN)

[ARCHIVE: This video game review follows the OldSchoolGamers website formatting.]

Content:
Objectionable material is limited only to sword fighting, minor explosions and vague threats. The game style is modeled after an interactive cartoon, lacking any real blood or gore.

Suggested Age Level: 7+

Rating: 9 out of 10

Review:
Generational Story
In the land of Hyrule there is a legend of a boy. Fighting great evil and insurmountable odds, he rescues the Princess Zelda and her kingdom (Which begs the question, where are the rest of the royal family?). Similarly, Nintendo supplies every one of its major consoles with at least one Legend of Zelda game. Always similar but unique, the story of Zelda, Link and Ganondorf quickly became one of the mainstays of the Nintendo brand. The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker continues this proud tradition on the Nintendo GameCube.

Gameplay
In this incarnation, you once again assume the role of Link. Armed at first with only his trusty sword and shield, you must battle foes and solve puzzles in order to progress in your quest. Along the way you will gain more objects to add to your arsenal. I purposely don't use the term weapons because not even half of the items you can use are really weapons. True, you come across old favorites like bombs and arrows but new items like the grappling hook (not to be confused with the hookshot) and the Deku Leaf can also be used to explore areas, not just pacify enemies.

The addition of sailing adds a new and extremely significant dimension to the game. You need to hoist your sails, use the wind and consult your maps to get where you want to go. Sadly, Epona the horse does not return as a horse at sea would be as useful as a screen door, battleship style.

Graphics And Sound
When people talk about video games as an artistic medium, you can be sure they will be talking about Wind Waker for years to come. A huge break from past direction and expectations, the game is rendered like a cartoon. Bright, vivid primary colors fill the screen, bringing life to equally charming character designs. Link's expressions in particular are fantastic as you see his face go from sneaky to determined to utterly panicked. Light and particle effects have gotten the same treatment. Rather then striving to become more realistic, everything has been boiled down to their iconic characteristics. Swirly smoke clouds fade in little puffs. Fire and Lava are rendered with strong and defined yellows and oranges but flicker and ripple with the same chaotic energy of their real life counterparts. A big draw is the replacement of the vugly pointy-nosed Great Fairies with stunning Shiva-like manifestations. Heavy investment must have gone into blur and camera effects because there is barely a jagged, pixelated edge in sight.

Audibly this is the best game in the series yet. The synthesized sonatas of previous games have been improved to almost perfect quality. To the trained ear one might recognized the violins (which dutifully performs out the new version of the series' theme song) as artificial, but coming from my television speakers I was hard up to identify the differences. Old melodic strands return, some of them unchanged, some incorporated into new songs. The beginning of Windfall Island's song bares striking similarity to Lon Lon Ranch. The effects have also received a tune-up and incorporated nicely with the mood music. The convincing crash of ocean waves, the squawk of seagulls, even the grunts and cries of the enemies all come off convincingly. In a nice touch, audio cues accompany fights, sounding off every time you strike a foe, adding to the action atmosphere.

Control
The game borrows heavily from Ocarina of Time. There is a primary action button, a sword button as well as the much-celebrated Lock-On feature. Secondary items can be assigned to the three other face buttons from the item menu. New tricks include stealth maneuvers, including hiding inside barrels, crawling on your belly and wall sidling. Just seeing Link press himself against a cliff and peer around the corner with narrowed eyes is worth at least a rental fee. But the game really shines in its combat system. Combos have been extended and made flashier. You can even make your enemies drop their bigger-than-thou weapons and then wield it against them.

Instead of musical instruments, you get a maestro's baton this time around. While inventive, conducting will take some getting used to. Boating on the other hand is a simple affair. Provided the wind is in your favor (as indicated by the big ole arrow at the stern of the boat), simply lift your sails and point in the direction you want to go.

But the camera, ah the camera. Able to make or break a game, camera control has been very well taken care of in Wind Waker. Again following its previous incarnation the camera generally stays on Link well, centering behind him with a click of a shoulder button. But the designers went above and beyond my expectations, devoting the entirety of the C-Stick to the camera, allowing you to places the camera from any angle with a good range of distance. Imagine if Mario64 had possessed such capability.

For the team-player in you, Wind Waker also utilizes Game Boy Advance Cable technology. The second player can Link up to the Gamecube and play as Tingle, the flamboyant fruity midget from the N64 games, flying high above the action in a balloon. The plus is that he gets a real-time map, can give hints and supply you with help ranging from healing you to bombing your enemies into submission. The bad news? Everything he does costs money. And if your pal is vindictive, dumb, or just plain doesn't play right he can bomb you to bits also.

Flaws
Changing the wind gets old. Fast. Half the non-dungeon puzzles involve having the winding going your way, sometimes meaning you have to whip out your stick multiple times for a single objective. Sailing also becomes tedious. Each location is literally an island unto itself so getting from one place to another takes at least five minutes, more if it's not just the next sector over, and you'll face down some sharks or giant squids. Sure, this is lessened later in the game when you gain warping ability, but not totally eliminated. There are still times now when I set Link towards a destination, break to pick up coffee down the street and come back before anything happens.

Lasting Appeal
As mentioned earlier, the game is a wholly unique take on not only the game series but also the gaming medium itself. If cartoon-adaptation games looked this good, they might not be quite as terrible (but maybe not). But behind the visual candy is a tested and true adventure story. While some might roll their eyes at the tongue-in-cheek clichés, Wind Waker provides enough reinterpretations and new material. The game stands out as being truly fun to just watch, even if you're not playing. For the completist, there is a camera-type gallery for those brave enough to take a picture in the middle of boss battles. But don't worry about those baddies you vanquished before getting your Photo-Box. The second play-through will allow you to keep it from the get-go, as well as an alternate costume.

Kiddie Play
The bottom line is that this game is great for a kid with a good brain on his shoulders. The puzzles are challenging enough to make it interesting but not too hard as to completely stump them. The presentation is completely family friendly and the story, with traditional heroism and valiant acts, is similar to the basic Arthurian legend. It's not something you would mind your kids running off into the backyard to reenact.

My suggestion to parents is to actually let your younger children watch you play. The graphics rival many children's cartoons with a much better script. If your child is old enough to handle it on his own, be the spectator yourself. If you have the right equipment, maybe even take a spin as Tingle, dropping hints to the kid and helping him out rather then just reciting the walkthrough when he gets stuck.

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The Intruder

[ARCHIVE: I think this is when I started to like writing short short stories.]

The air swam around him with humidity, coating his skin with a layer of nonexistent sweat. His hair fell long and unkempt around his face. A single rivulet of water ran down his bare chest. Hard callused toes balanced his frame, spry and quick.

There. In front of him. It stood there, mocking him with its very existence. The dull glow of faraway lights reflected off its hardened exterior. The dark, earthen-colored shell split naturally down the back, hinting at the fragile, powerful wings underneath. Spindly, hairy legs protruded from underneath its frame, twitching erratically with nervous energy. Twin antennae whipped around, sniffing for a trace of something, anything organic, edible, consumable. In its single-minded desire for sustenance, the predator did not notice its hunter.

His arms tensed as he took a step towards it. Towards this intruder, that lived on his land, ate his food, giving nothing in return but more of its kind. It did nothing. No lightning-quick skittering, not tell-tale freezing of motion. He took another step. Still nothing. He was within striking distance.

Slowly he raised his weapon. On its own, it was harmless. Another casual object, cast aside. In his hands, it was an extension of his will. A part of his arm with which he could smite his enemies. Veins rippled on his arm as he tensed.

WHAM.

It lay on the ground, life fluid smeared over the club. The feelers, no longer receiving brain impulses, continued its last command, felling the ground before it, sending back information back to a mind that was already gone. He had won this day, decisively and swiftly. But there would be more. Disposing of the body, he walked away.

(Note: I don't know why, but this popped into my head when I killed a cockroach with a wiffle bat last night)

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28 Days Later(2003)

[ARCHIVE: I still write too much setup here, not enough about the movie itself.]

The zombie genre of film has had a long and eventful life. Far back as "Frankenstein," the grand-pappy of all zombies (in that he is comprised of dead body pieces, which were still moving around), the pure shock value of being reanimated was enough to be creepy. Add in a few minor chords played shockingly on a violin, and you've got yourself a girl-screaming, pants-pooping scary movie.

But in the years that followed, the old things required redefinition to still be scary. Instead of one undead human, entire towns were turned into flesh-eating corpses. After all, if one zombie is scary, then more will be even scarier. And it worked. It brought the edge back. For a little while at least.

By the time we entered the 1980s, innovation started to decline. Film companies, more concerned with the bottom line than the quality level, began to leave zombies behind. Horror turned away from the old standbys; the eerie shadows, the unexplained phenomenon, and zombies; instead, pure shock value become the only thing desired; the volumes of blood, the highly detailed disembowelment.

28 days later... picks up the slack and keeps running, tweaking the zombie definition along the way, to superb results. Directed by Trainspotting's Danny Boyle (who is, unfortunately the same as The Beach's Danny Boyle), 28 takes place in England, where a hazardous virus has turned most of the population into unthinking killing machines. Due to its extremely contagious nature (just one drop of blood and twenty seconds is enough), the virus spreads through most of the population. That's the first five minutes in a nutshell. We pick up the story twenty-eight days later, as Jim (played by Cillian Murphey) wakes from a coma to find his hospital abandoned, and free soda in the lounge!

Whether by choice or by economic status, the movie is decidedly low budget. But like in a handful of cases, it actually works with the plot. In a world where civilization has been taken down a peg or two, the obvious color-bleed borders add a sense of where exactly the world stands. There is no room for gorgeous panoramic shots, or deft camera maneuvering. We're talking about the survival of the human race on a couple of cans of Pepsi and protein bars. Who's going to bother making it look pretty? The acting is adequate, if not inspiring. Brendan Gleeson, as Hannah's Dad is particularly good, and the aforementioned Cillian Murphey does a good job of fleshing out his protagonist; his reactions are quite believable, while still retaining the conventional heroic ideal of "Everything-Will-Be-Okay-In-The-End" (TM).

But to keep you on the edge of your seat, some had to be done about those wacky zombies. Gone are the masses of dim-witted shambling stiffs. In their place stand an army of twitching, blood-spewing, and god-fucking-fast death machines. The Infected have no qualms with jumping over barricades of shopping carts or sprinting up twenty flight of stairs, taking them three steps at a time probably. The physical prowess is still retained, maybe even enhanced, eliminating the run-around-the-retards option. Either you fight, or you run like hell. This is one of those situations where you're either fine, or dead. There is no "caution" status, once you're bitten, hell once a random speck of blood flies into your mouth, you're as good as gone.

Personally I liked the movie a lot. With the careful use (or lack thereof) of sound and tension building, I was pretty much on the edge the entire movie. Something very nicely done was the "Infected-cam" wherein a hand-cam would bum rush the other side of the wall the humans were standing next to, but with zero accompanying sound. This means that most confrontations had only half a second's notice, and happened pretty much any time. This added to the fact that I was chugging Mountain Dew Live Wire like there was no tomorrow, probably overtaxed my heart and shaved a few years off my life. Out of the six dollars I paid, I give this movie $5.00

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Nida

[ARCHIVE: I freewrote this after spending the day at Six Flags Great America with some 1st and 2nd degree friends. Nida, of course, is a not-so cleverly constructed pseudonym. I like the wording here, even if there's no real ending.]

Nida dressed like everyone else and yet managed to own the style for herself. Like she was the original post-modern girl from which all post-modern girls had learned from. She didn't tease with endless creamy legs or flawless shoulders. She had none of these Playboy properties, these sensual chattels, and it did not matter. Her stride was purposeful and confident, comfortable in its own length. Sooner would you see cats obedient than see Nida strut and preen herself with the awkward flaunt of a peacock. She carried herself with the dignity of a woman, the innocence of a child.

Her clothes neither revealed nor defined the round curves of her breasts, the smooth shapes of her body. The fabrics were ordinary and familiar, fabrics that spoke of utility and contentment. She wore a purple bandana, which swept back her long wonderful hair. Every so often she would tug it down, to adjust the stray hairs, and her bangs would fall, obscuring and accentuating her face. She would peak out through the hairs, and scrunch her nose in embarrassment at her state, and you would be hard taxed not to tell her how cute she was.

Her smile was big and sincere, warm to the memory, and the way she bit her lip made me want to press mine to hers. Her voice was the call of songbirds and her laugh, gods, her laugh made me wish desperately that her sides were tender so that I could poke her, prod her, make her laugh on command. Her company itself was mystical, commanding attention yet never needing to do so. In her presence the rest, lacking anything comparable to her, slipped away and you would give her your focus of your own free will.

And her mind, as if nothing could surpass her stature, would make blind men fall in love with her. Stories of good times and strange happenstances flowed uninhibited. Her life her stories her jokes her views flowed seamlessly together into one long spoken enchantment, captivating your inner audience. Only sometimes would you hear words and phrases and descriptions that you recognized and realize that she had bewitched you not into listening to her but in conversing with her.

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X2: X-Men United(2003)

[ARCHIVE: I think this one turned out pretty well, actually. In retrospect, the complaint about not enough characterization seems trivial when compared to X-Men: The Last Stand]

On the eve of Free Comic Book Day, X2 debuted in theaters nationwide. The sequel to 2001's successful movie property, X-Men, X2 returns us to a world filled with a people genetically gifted with super-powers. Fearful for their own safety, the regular humans launch an offensive to curb the "mutant problem." Now on the run, the X-Men must not only rescue their mentor, but also halt the escalating hostilities between man and mutant.

When viewing X2, you get the feeling that this was the movie that returning director Bryan Singer really wanted to make. Now that the first movie has introduced the characters and the world in which the X-Men, live in, Singer drops in a single catalyst and lets the story take off. Never lingering too long in one place, X2 keeps the story moving at a nice pace, alternating between different plot threads before you think "Hey, what's going on with what's-their-buckets..." If any complaint can be levied against the movie is that there isn't enough down-time. With such a large cast of characters, Singer has no choice but to keep dialogue to the minimum level of explanation. An exchange between Storm and Nightcrawler, meant to create a relationship between them, is reduced to five minutes so that we can hurry up and get to Pyro blowing up the police. The conversations thus feel somewhat perfunctory. Get point one across, then point two, then point three, done. Next scene, go. If a little more time were given to character-development, we would closer to the characters, instead of just receiving the highlights of their life.

What development is present is of high quality. You can feel Pyro's philosophy become more and more extreme as he listens to Magneto. The flirtation between Iceman and Rogue is believable and frustrating when they have to stop because of her condition. Human antagonist William Stryker (Brian Cox) delivers his lines masterfully, his voice laced with both malicious arrogance and intelligence. Unfortunately, Deathstrike (Kelly Hu) gets the "Sabretooth shaft," getting virtually no lines of dialogue. But what she lacks in lines she more than makes up for with her emotive expressions, particularly that one scene near the end of the movie.

In addition, the special effects have been amped up. The Cerebro sequences are particularly improved, no longer a cheap-looking shot-montage. Instead, we're treated to a dynamic three-dimensional light-point collage. Storm finally gets to cut loose, ditching the localized thunderbolts for truly severe weather conditions (haw, I crack myself up). With the exception of one scene in the beginning, involving the entrance to a military facility, the sets all look authentic, or consistent with the first movie at the very least.

I almost forgot the action sequences. Once again, Wolverine leads the pack as far as sheer awe factor. Limited to grappling with Sabretooth in the first movie, Logan truly cuts loose here, downing dozens of opponents. Even the one-on-one battle with a fellow mutant is superior, having replaced a brutish opponent for a nimble and graceful one.

No comic book movie is complete without fanboy shout-outs, and X2 delivers, even more so than its predecessor. The scenes within the mansion are filled with familiar faces, including Syren, Shadowcat, and Colossus. Hugh Jackman once again sneaks in a "Bub" onto the end of one of his lines. And the last shot... well, let's just say if you know anything about the X-Men, you'll be thoroughly satisfied.

All in all, X2 was a very entertaining movie. While nothing to write to the Motion Picture Academy about, I felt that five out of my six dollars were well spent. I recommend that you go out and see this one in the theaters.

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